Hey,
Been a little while.
I made it through my first semester at college and honestly I dont feel any better than I did before. I gave up again on this site for a while because i just lost all of the motivation I had for anything for a while. This semester I was really hoping would be better than last one but its been a bad Start. I'm not sure what I can really say that isn't just some shitty recap about how much my life sucks. I don't know my moods been fluctuating a lot recently.

I had some sort of breakdown yesterday. Started punching myself in the head until I got dizzy, then started sobbing and curled into a ball. Said there was a blackout to pretend there was a reason as to why I wouldn't pick up my phone. My head still hurts from it and I still feel like crying. its always some stupid thing that im getting upset over. I feel like a child half of the time. How am I supposed to keep going to classes when I feel like im doing so much worse than everyone else.

Starting this next month, I'll have been self harm free for 5 months. And I hate every fucking second of it. It'll also be a full year since I had created a plan to actually kill myself. I don't know why I hesitated really. Every once and a while I think about it and seriously regret not commiting to it. I wish I found the shotgun ammo so I could've just blown my brains out immediately.

I really thought that starting college would be this fresh new start for me. Maybe it was. But now I feel the same as ever. Maybe worse. I had 8 days straight where I cried every night last semester and that was a new low for me so.

I don't know where I'm going with any of this. I just need a space to just write about whatever I'm upset about because I know I can't be judged here. It's not like anyone reads this