So I don't really know where I'm going with this

Im not even in a really depressed mood or anything but I've just been thinking a lot on what I really want for myself. I've been doing worse in sf6 and I tell myself oh I wanna get better and whatnot but for what reason? I keep continuing my major just because I chose it but for what real reason? I'm not even trying to say this in like a pessimistic way or anything but there genuinely is nothing that I am looking to for motivation.

When I talked to my therapist last, we talked about how I never was taught how to decide things for myself. Being younger child and whatever meant my parents always decided stuff for me. I would like to say I'm a very independent person now, but when it comes to making decisions on what *I* want specifically, I genuinely can't think of anything. Like I'll say that I want to dress differently or I wanna go shopping but someone asks where I want to go and I instantly blank. I always resort to "Its fine we can go where you want."

I think the worst part about this is that I genuinely have no clue how to "fix" this. I've realized that this mental block of "I genuinely can not think about what I want for myself" has definitely suffocated a lot out of my life. And it's not like I'm even going to act on the things that I know I want to do now.

I had this whole breakdown a couple weeks ago and one of the biggest things in it that I wrote was this:

"I think one of the things that’s been messing with me recently is just how fast everything has been going. I mean it’s like my fifth or sixth week of school and i still feel like it just started. I get so worked up about how much time i waste doing whatever i do. I always excuse myself for not doing things i want because i just don’t have time. I’m so horrible at managing my time because every time i think about all of the things i have to do i freak out. I want to be able to go out and explore or hang out with friends but i always shut down when i think about stuff like school work. I know that it doesn’t take out more than an hour or two out of my day to study and catch up but i hate spending my time doing it. I think i know that college isn’t the path i want to take but i just don’t know what other one to take. I mean in college i have all of my friends and i have access to hrt i feel like im stuck here now. I don’t want to have some big computer job i want to be able to work a simple job that pays enough to live off of. I want to work at a candy store and make people happy with my creations and i want that to be enough to make me happy. I want to be able to explore my town or my world but im so terrified to go anywhere. I want my girlfirend to be there with me but im scared that if i spent too much time with her i wont have the time i need for me. I want to be good at street fighter because it proves that my hobbies have meaning. I spend so much time on my computer i want some sort of proof that i’m not just wasting time with it. I want to read i want to play single player games but im just so scared of all the time i should be using for education or anything of importance. I want to make art i want to make music i want to be able to actually make myself learn those things but i think about the time it takes and i freak out"

Something something ego death but in this moment, crying in a library bathroom, I just wanted all of it to just be figured out in my head and for it to make sense to me and for it to be celebrated like that stupid congratulations scene in evangelion. I don't know if it's some sort of trauma response or whatever but I genuinely can not get myself to think about what I want. It feels like there is a physical block there. During a therapy session my therapist had me imagine a beach, and tell her the details of it. The way that I ended up imagining it was as this almost picutre-esque looking beach. Stereotypical yellow sand, blue water, beach ball laying by a red and white umbrella. It feels like whenever I come up with things, it's never what I want it to be. It's always what I think of it as something someone else would want it to be.

I don't understand how to make myself better