Isn't it funny how I've written something about the same time the past 3 months

Anyways I relapsed last night

I'm not sure what else to say about it, but it happened, and I'm pissed about it. Today would have been the 200th day I was self harm free.
I'm really mad that I wasn't even able to get actual cuts. The knife I used was way to dull. I just wanted some sort of reminder of what I did. One that would last. All I really have are these three pathetic marks that look like rashes. I know self harm and getting better isn't always just as simple as not doing it, but I really wanted to be stronger.
My girlfriend said that she'd come up for me. I really want her to but I don't want to do that to her. I feel like I'm being manipulative or something. I'm really happy she's there for me, I just feel like I don't deserve it. I love her so much and I'm so happy she cares for me. I just wish I could do more.

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this entire rant. I'm just pissed about relapsing.

I hope I can get to 200 days again.