"My mother is dead and everything is worse now."

CW: Self Harm, Suicidal Talk, Sexual Abuse. Bojack Horseman Spoilers

If you don't know what this is a quote from, you're probably thinking "jesus thats one way to start a post." I think I'd be more suprised if you didn't know the quote actually. This is a quote from the famous "Free Churro" episode of Bojack Horseman. God I probably sound like a loser. I can't know how you're gonna feel reading this but I feel like people are gonna roll their eyes at this.

Who am I kidding no one's reading this

Although my mother isn't dead, I feel like this is the best way I could sum up how I felt waking up this morning. I spent from 6:30pm to 11:00pm last night just sitting at my phone, braindead. All of this started mostly because of Street Fighter. Yes I know how embarrassing that is, yes I know I shouldn't be getting this mad at ranked, but I would say that it was less about how much I was losing, more of all of the feelings it caused.

One of my biggest problems is that I tend to let my emotions take over when I get into any negative mood. Especially in sf6, one of my worst cycles I create is when I'm in a bad mood about something else, I end up doing so much worse in game, and then it causes me to feel even worse about everything. I'm pretty sure I'm plateauing right now, doesn't help how I'm feeling about everything else, but it really gives me that reaction of "oh my god im the worst im never going to get better everything sucks" to not only the game but other things too.

I'd say I have "a lot on my plate" right now. I've started college, I'm trying to figure out "adulting," hopefully starting HRT soon, trying to deal with my father kicking me out of his insurance, trying to deal with my really annoying roomate, struggling with not relapsing back to cutting myself, struggling to not just throw myself off my dorm building, and I'm trying to process the fact that I blocked out that I was raped by my sister when I was a kid. Seems like a decent amount of things to be upset about, or maybe I'm just trying to justify my excuses.

Whenever I end up getting mad at something like sf6, it becomes a catalyst into me thinking about all of these at once. I tend to almost completely shut down, go nonverbal, and just refuse to talk to anyone about it. I think it mostly comes from the embarassment that to an outsider, I'm getting mad at a video game. I mean, how fucking pathetic does that look? I've realized it's a problem I need to talk about. That's kinda why I'm writing this. I've realized that not talking about this has hurt some people I care about, especially my girlfriend. (If you're reading this Ev, Im really sorry again I should've talked to you about it I love you ♥)

Bringing this back to the start, after I get all of these emotions circulating around in my head, it brings me back to that feeling that I can best point to in that quote from Bojack Horseman. The way that it's explained in Bojack Horseman is that his abusive mother is dead, and now he's realized that there is no way he's ever going to get that parent he wanted. The way I interpret this quote is that the things that hurt you may be gone, or not near you anymore, but they will constantly linger there and torment. It creeps into everything you do, wether it's the way you talk to strangers, the way you make your food, or anything else that's menial. That thing that ruined you feels like it's just going to come back and ruin you no matter what.

I don't really have any sort of positive way to spin the end of this. I know you're supposed to do that because it's better writing or something, but I really can't think of anything good to say. I'm not trying to be like edgy or anything, that's really just the way I feel about it.

My will is dead, and everything is worse now.

I doubt anyones actually reading this but if you actually did and want to say anything about it add me on discord. Username is haphazardhazel. I'll probably respond, I don't have a life.