I have no clue how to dress

I don't know how to dress. That's really it. I was reading Lewis Hancox's "Welcome to St. Hell" (fucking great story btw) and something hit me while reading. Throughout most peoples trans experiences, they kinda know how they want to dress beforehand. You see MTF's who want to wear skirts, dresses, crop tops. FTM's who wanna wear baseball hats, suits, mustaches. But something I've never been able to figure out is what I want to wear.

Since I was younger I never really had a decision in what I wanted to wear. Looking back I think my mom would've let me dress differently if I had ever asked but I always hated going shopping with her. Whenever we'd shop, I'd feel like I'd be forced into wearing what she wanted. She'd nag and nag about how I need to get this or that and I barely felt any autonomy. Especially since trying on the clotches made me always hate my body and ruin my day. I think at some point I just gave up on trying to have a style. The only main change I've had since the two was that I stopped wearing only sweatpants cuz now I only wear jeans. I still only really wear crewnecks or hoodies. I don't really know why I still dress this way. I know especially now in college I have the ability to dress however I want, but I just don't want to try dressing differently.

I think I've just given up on how I dress. I think I've given up on a lot of things like that. I felt like I was being suffocated and forced to dress or behave in certain ways that I've just given up entirely on trying to fight against it. I know I have horrible responses when it comes to any sort of negative emotions, I completely shut down and isolate for the next couple hours. The problem is that I don't think I want to stop being like this. That's going to make me sound like some awful evil villian but in honesty thats really how I feel I think. I'm just so scared and tired of popping my head out from the ground just to have life or others smack me down like a game of whack a mole that I've just given up on trying to stick my head out.

I think the same thing happened to me wanting to dress up. With the stressors of not knowing what to wear, as well as being afraid to be uncomfortable in what I wear has caused me to just give up on trying in the first place. I've tried wearing feminine clothes and as much as I want to I can never do it. Everything is either too small for me or just doesn't look right with my body shape. I think I'm really ugly, and it's pretty obvious that I am. So whenever I try putting on clothes I might prefer to wear it feels like lipstick on a pig. I see so many of my friends and I'm just so fucking jealous of them. I know I can't look like that I never really will but I just wish so badly that I can. I don't care about being skinny I just care about not looking like a pig. I know hormones are going to change how I look, but all of the parts of myself that I hate are the things hormones I don't really thing will change. It can't change my face, my awful chin, my horrible side profile. And I just want those parts to go away. I genuinely want to kill myself every morning when I feel the facial hair that i just shaved 24 hours ago growing back.

I don't really know what to do. About any of this. I constantly just let my life fly past me instead of doing something about it. And the worst part is then I complain about it. All of this could be solved with me just sucking it up, going to a gym, and trying more clothes on but I just can't. I know I'm a horrible miserable person and I think I might as well die that way.